Anglican Archbishop joins criticism of WYD laws

Anglican Primate of Australia Dr Phillip Aspinall has joined criticism of the New South Wales Government's laws to protect Catholic World Youth Day events.

The regulations empower police to stop and fine people who engage in conduct that causes annoyance or inconvenience to Catholic pilgrims during the week-long event.

Those who do not comply face a fine of $5,500.

Those at risk of being fined include Cityrail if pilgrim's trains are running late, Taxi drivers if they get pilgrims lost, dodgy kebab shop owners if they give pilgrims the runs, priests if they don't use lube and God if he makes it rain.

DNA evidence frees inmate after 20 years on death row

A 46-year old US inmate who languished on death row for more than 20 years has been freed after DNA tests called into question his murder conviction.

Paul Gregory House was sentenced to death in 1986 for the rape and murder of Carolyne Muncey, a housewife and mother in the southern state of Tennessee.

DNA testing was not available at the time of the crime, but genetic tests performed since his conviction failed to determine conclusively that House was the perpetrator of the crime.

The DNA testing has also shown that he is not the father of his 16 children and that he should probably change his name to Pauline.

Plasma, LCDs blamed for accelerating global warming

A gas used in the making of flat screen televisions, nitrogen trifluoride (NF3), is being blamed for damaging the atmosphere and accelerating global warming.

Almost half of the televisions sold around the globe so far this year have been plasma or LCD TVs.

Experts say the increase in demand has been caused by consumer's desire to watch Al Gore's 'An Inconvenient Truth' in wide screen.

US to take Mandela off terror list

The US Senate has approved a bill to remove former South African president Nelson Mandela from the US terror watch list, lawmakers said.

President George W Bush stated that he his cautiously pleased with the decision because it means those resources allocated to tracking and monitoring the frail 90 year old 'terrorist-no-more' can now finally be assigned to tracking down Osama Bin Laden.

"That's one less wheel on the axis of evil," said the President, "but fortunately we carry a heap of spares in the boot!"

Afghanistan drug trade hits $4 billion a year

AFGHAN opium poppy cultivation grew 17% last year, according to the 2008 World Drug Report, released by the United Nations.

The opium trade has soared since the 2001 overthrow of the Taliban, which had eradicated almost all of the country's opium poppies. The proceeds from the illicit trade which was planted in the '70s by the CIA to help finance the Taliban's fight against Russian invasion is now helping finance a resurgent Taliban's fight against US invasion.

CIA Director General Michael Hayden said in a statement today " how were we to know that if we gave one of the worlds poorest nations a means to make heaps of money that they would actually use it to make heaps of money."

Supreme Court Rules American Citizens Have Right to Own Guns

On Thursday, the United States Supreme Court issued a historic ruling on the right of Americans to own guns. The nation's highest court ruled that the United States Constitution protects the rights of individuals to own handguns for self-defense in their homes. Five justices supported the decision. Four opposed it.

President George W Bush said he welcomes the decision stating " we have a saying in Texas, who needs a edumacation and readin stuff when you can have a gun!"

Experts predict the move will lead to an increase in gun related crime, drugs, car jackings and even more hip hop and rap artists.

Critics claim there is an alternate motive for the new ruling claiming that a mix of guns and the worlds stupidest nation can only help to increase the country's average IQ.

Thirty false killer whales beached in Thailand

Thirty false killer whales swam ashore on a beach near the Thai resort isle of Phuket, but local residents and hotel staff saved all but one of them, a marine official said.

Residents and hotel staff rushed out to carry them back into the rough seas, he said.

Scientists were not sure why the whales swam themselves ashore.

In other news today, Japanese scientists claim to be close to solving the riddle of why false killer whales have a tendency to beach themselves after managing to harpoon 29 more specimens off the coast of Thailand today.

Pigeons smuggle drugs, phones into Rio prison

A sharp increase in drugs and mobile phones found inside a Brazilian prison mystified officials - until guards spotted some distressed pigeons struggling to stay airborne.

Inmates at the prison in Marilia, Sao Paulo state, had been training carrier pigeons to smuggle in goods using cell phone sized pouches on their backs, a low-tech but ingenious way of skipping the high-tech security that visitors faced.

The ingenious plan was finally foiled when a number visitors to the prison, after being subjected to cavity searches were found to be concealing several carrier pigeons up their asses.

Software tycoon opens the gates to a life of philanthropy

He was the nerd who exacted the ultimate revenge, building the biggest fortune in history and on the way changing the world.

Now Bill Gates has handed over control of computing giant Microsoft to devote the rest of his life to giving his money away.

Mr Gates spent three decades amassing the biggest fortune in business history. His personal wealth of $58 billion is enough to give about $10 to every man, woman and child on the planet.

Mr Gates has said that each dollar he gives away will come with a unique product key that you will need need to register before it can be spent, and that you will only be able to spend the money on Microsoft compatible products.

Pirated copies of his money are already available for download from various BitTorrent websites.

N Korea set to blow up nuke plant on TV

Secretive North Korea is preparing a global TV spectacular to dramatise its commitment to scrapping nuclear weapons, as world powers gave a wary welcome to its disclosure of some atomic secrets.

The communist state is set to blow up the cooling tower at the plutonium-producing Yongbyon complex - the most visible symbol of a decades-old pursuit of nuclear bombs.

In an effort to win over western TV audiences North Korean officials plan to stuff the cooling tower with B grade celebrities who will be set challenges to escape the impending explosion. The show will be call "I'm a celebrity, get me out of this North Korean nuclear plant before they blow the crap out of it."

Viewers will have the opportunity to vote to have their least favourite celebrities stay in the cooling tower.

Uruguay claims natural gas discovery

Uruguay says it has discovered a large natural gas field off its Atlantic coast that could potentially transform the country from an importer to an exporter of the fuel.

The announcement of the possible find was made by President Tabare Vazquez on his official website.

An announcement on the official website of US President George W Bush followed shortly after stating that Uruguay is now part of the US's 'Axis of Evil', is harbouring terrorists and will be invaded by US and allied troops within 48 hours.

Bush welcomes N Korea nuclear move

US President George W Bush has warily welcomed North Korea's nuclear accounting, easing trade sanctions and moving to take the "axis of evil" nation off a US terrorism blacklist.

Following North Koreas provision of a partial accounting of it's nuclear activities to China a North Korean spokesperson said " our ultimate goal remains clear: A stable and peaceful Korean Peninsula, where people are free from oppression, free from hunger and disease and free from nuclear weapons,"

US President George W Bush, talking at a press conference on the front lawn of the White House said, "I'm please to see North Korea step up to the steps to step over that which needs to be stepped, this move will allow a lifting of sanctions pathing the way for organisations such as the International Monetary Fund and World Bank to move in and loan tonnes of money tied to ridiculous conditions and interest rates which will surely result in a destabalized and chaotic Korean Peninsula, where the people suffer further oppression, immense hunger and disease and a prolifferation of US made nuclear weapons."

Japan insists scientific whaling produces results

Japan has defended its practice of 'scientific' whale hunting at the annual International Whaling Commission (IWC) meeting in Chile, insisting it had yielded important scientific results.

Officials from Japan, which is pressing for the ban on commercial whaling to be lifted, said during the third day of the meeting in Santiago that their research has shown that whales are healthy and abundant. They said that when they slashed open the chest cavity the whales possesed healthy hearts and each carried an abundant amount of edible flesh ripe for the taking and destined for restaurants across Japan.

Researchers at Japan's Institute of Cetacean Research say they have discovered interesting information on the sexual maturation of whale species which they said could not have been obtained in any other way. For example, they have found that male whales that have reached sexual maturation have tastier testicles.

Pope, Nazis and WYD08

With only weeks to go until this years World Youth Day 2008 hosted in Sydney, Australia, News Free News decided to catch up with His Papalness to cut the fat on WYD08 and those reports on his past.

So we asked, what right does the richest organisation in the world have in asking the taxpayers of a far away country to fork out in excess of one hundred and forty million dollars to host the event.

"It is God's will", stated Benedict XVI. Not satisfied with the textbook Papal response we drilled further...."well it's quite simple you see," Benedict explained,"we followed the United States model whereby we work to convince your Prime Minister that everything he does, and everything he says is the work of God and that he weilds ultimate power to command over who ever he likes for as long as he likes, or perhaps invade any country he likes and it will all be in the name of God. Then he feels obligated to repay the Catholic Church by paying for us to come and overrun the country with underaged fanatics for a while...even if it costs the taxpayer..."

We then asked his response into claims that World Youth Day was nothing more than an excuse for upper class religious nutters to pack off their pesky kids for while so that they could have a week of swinger parties around the pool side without the risk of the kids finding out." To this the Pope just showed a slight smirk.

Finally, we put to His Popal Almighty Highnessness recent revelations of his involvement with the Hitler Youth and whether they had had an affect on his term as Pope so far to which he replied, "What...that old thing...no...sure I might have spent most of my adolescent years helping to round up Jews, homosexuals, Russians and anyone else that Hitler opposed and loading them in to trains that saw them sent off to their imminent deaths but I still went to confessional every Sunday so in the eyes of God and the Catholic Church I ahve done no wrong...in fact I would do it all again tomorrow because I know my God will forgive me!".

Mugabe ‘declares war’ on entire Universe

Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe has "declared war on the entire Universe”, said Opposition Leader Morgan Tsvangirai from inside the Dutch embassy in the capital Harare.

"It's not an election, that is what we keep saying, it is a self inflated egotistical grab for the Universe, he plans to build a new homestead on Mars and start mining the Moon for space truffles" Mr Tsvangirai, who has withdrawn from Friday's presidential run-off and sought diplomatic protection, has told a News Free News reporter.

When news of the move to 'take over the Universe' spread to the White House President Bush is quoted as saying. " well he can't have the Universe,...it's mine, it's mine, it's mine (whilst stamping his foot several times).

NASA Adobe Sponsorship Deal

NASA announced today that after decades of using a pirated copy of Adobe Photoshop that they downloaded from Mininova to alter photographs of Mars and the Moon for public release that they have today signed a landark sponsorship deal with Adobe.
A spokesperson for NASA is quoted as saying "Photoshop rocks! you wouldn't believe the SHIT we have to cut out of those Mars photos ....it would blow your mind man."

Adobe spokesperson Mirna Slashenbach stated in a media release today that they were very happy with the new deal though it did require some compromises that saw Adobe making some alterations to the popular software. Ms Slashenbach said that the clincher to the deal was a request that they remove the commonly used UFO,Alien and 'George Bush wearing a propellor cap' custom brushes.

Here is a photo from the current Pheonix Mars mission after having NASA's text book editting applied:








And here's the same image before editting showing it's real blue sky:














And with even less editting......